Remember when making friends was as easy as sharing your Vegemite sandwich in the schoolyard? As you grow older, the friendships start to fall apart and away. And your hopes from friendships also change. But what makes it harder is finding the real, true friends as you unpack your personal growth and adulting. But adult friendships can be even more rewarding than splitting a Tim Tam and sharing with your teenaged bestie.
“It’s funny how you can forget everything except people loving you. Maybe that’s why humans find it so hard getting over love affairs. It’s not the pain they’re getting over, it’s the love.” Melina Marchetta – On the Jellicoe Road
Contents
What are Adult Friendships
Adult friendship is a voluntary, reciprocal, informal, restriction-free, and long-lasting (wouldn’t we love it) close relationship between two unique partners (Wrzus et al., 2017; Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018).
These friendships are increasing important and nourishing as you grow older. They help you
There are six key purposes of adult friendships, according to an article in the Frontiers in Psychology:
Stimulating companionship
Remember the last time you were chatting to a friend over a coffee and you chatted away for hours? Or you decided to go rock-climbing and had the best afternoon? That’s what friendships bring to your life.
Help and support
This is the most common reasons of friendships. They are there for you when you’re feeling down. And they will look after your kids or your pet when you have to go away to an important meeting.
Emotional security
If you’re sitting with a group of people and they make you feel insecure, they aren’t really your friends. You’re able to be yourself with your friends because you know you are in a safe place emotionally.
Reliable alliance
They got your back and you got theirs. As simple as that.
Self-validation
They are the people you can speak to about your highs and lows freely. And you get a champion in them. Who tells you your feelings are real, your plans make sense and you are worth rooting for.
Intimacy
This kind of intimacy is of thought and expression. You are vulnerable with them without the threat of judgment.
Making Friends in the Grown-Up World
- Put Yourself Out There: Join a local sports team, volunteer at the community garden, or hit up a trivia night at your local. Shared experiences are the breeding ground for friendships.
- Be Open and Authentic: Don’t try to be the next Margot Robbie and put on an act. Your true self is your best self and will attract like minded people.
- Bestie at Work: You don’t look for friends at work – at least on the job description – but it’s a great place to find people who click. It comes with the risk of unclear goals and possible conflicts of interest so be wary and conscious. Friendship means informality so if that is possible in your relationship, only pursue friendship in those instances.
- Use Technology Wisely: Apps like Meetup can help you find like-minded folks. Just remember, friendships need to move from the screen to real life.
- Say Yes More: That work drinks you usually skip? Go. The neighbour’s barbie? Show up. Opportunities for connection are everywhere.
How to Win Friends
The rules of friendship change as you grow older. Authenticity matters. Showing up matters. The easiest trick on how to win friends is to be that friend. That friend who you want to have a sustained connection with:
- Reliability: They’re there for you, rain, hail, or shine.
- Stimulation: They should mentally stimulate you and are fun.
- Honesty: They’ll tell you when you’ve got spinach in your teeth after lunch or when you’re being a bit of a C.
- Shared Values: You don’t need to agree on everything, but core values should align.
- Mutual Support: They celebrate your wins and help you through the tough times.
They incite a feeling of belonging and home in you. As Hugh Mackay writes in “The Art of Belonging,” “The desire to belong is a driving force in human nature… We need to feel connected.”
Maintaining Friendships: It’s Not Rocket Science, But It Is Work
Make Time
Schedule catch-ups like you would any other important appointment. Initiate.
Be Present
Put away the phone and really listen. Absolutely no ghosting; be honest when you just can’t.
Show Up for the Big Stuff
Be there for the milestones, good and bad. Especially the bad. You might be forgiven for missing a birthday but you will not be for not showing up when they’re lost a loved one or need you when they are in pain.
Make the Small Stuff Matter
A text. A coffee. Asking for advice. Take little opportunities to connect and make them happen.
Keep in Touch:
A quick text or funny meme can keep the connection alive between catch-ups.
Knowing When to Call It Quits
Sometimes, friendships run their course. It’s okay to let go when:
- The relationship feels one-sided
- You consistently feel drained after spending time together
- Trust has been broken and can’t be repaired
- Your values have diverged too much
You might also be on the receiving end some time where a friend breaks off the friendship for no apparent reason.
They will have their reasons and they might share them. Or they might not. As adults, you need to respect the decision and accept that the relationship is over.
Author Liane Moriarty hits the nail on the head in “Big Little Lies”:
“They say it’s good to let your garden go a little bit wild. Who knows what might self-seed and pop up by surprise?”
The same goes for friendships – sometimes you need to let go to make room for new connections.
Last Word
Adult friendships might require more effort than those carefree childhood bonds, but they’re worth their weight in gold. They’re the family we choose, the support system that gets us through the tough times, and the mates who make the good times even better.
As you navigate the world of adult friendships, remember the words of Tim Winton from “Cloudstreet”: “And you can’t help but worry for them, love them, want for them – those who go on down the close, foetid galleries of time and space without you.”
So go on, give your bestie a call, organise that long-overdue catch-up, or strike up a conversation with someone new. In this sunburnt country of ours, a good mate is worth more than that freestanding house in the hood.
After all, life’s too short to go it alone. And who else is going to help you saunter along than a good dear friend?
